Wednesday, 26 June 2013

At The Corner of Lost &... What?

I don’t think you were meant to come here. It was a mistake.
Kind of like the last mistake you made (you know the one I’m talking about.)

However, just because this is a mistake, doesn't mean it was not meant to be.
And just because something is meant to be, doesn't mean it is a good thing.

I've lost you already, haven’t I?
Then again, that would be the only thing to make sense at this point – because I’m a bit lost as well.

And, bloody hell, am I ever tired of being lost.

You see, I spent a lot of time in my youth well directed (that is the best way of describing it.) In “knowing” that an adult’s advice was the correct way to live, all my motivations came from external  sources – the fear of consequences and promise of rewards – rather than an internal desire. After a few short years in adulthood, I discovered adults have no more of an idea about life than I do. (Some adults may, but they are not the ones I am referencing here.)

Then came a lull. A period of apathy. Some may have perceived it as laziness. At times it felt like depression. But regardless of your perspective on my behaviour, I've discovered where it came from: vast nothingness.

This article isn't getting any clearer, is it?

From what I can tell, I stripped myself of all pretentious, disingenuous actions that were brought about through social pressures and standards. In not wanting to risk my ego’s involvement in the decisions I was making, I became unable to distinguish my desires for my life from society’s desires for my life.

Doing this while traveling left me with a lot of… nothing. No goals. No hobbies. No interests.

Those individuals who have been close to me over the last few months have been unfortunate enough to witness my continued irresponsible and unaccountable actions that accompanied  my confusion. (My peers’ seeming lack of empathy only contributed to all the perplexities, so maybe I shouldn't assume they are even aware of my journey down Lost Avenue.)

But, I made it through all that, and while I sense “Found” is still quite a distance from me, I am now able to invest in my self-set goals… which are motivated by internal desires…  and come with earning and appreciating the journey as much as the potential reward… and they feel genuinely and wholeheartedly suited to me.

Now I pursue my art form – writing. And am learning a new musical instrument (just for fun.) And am making healthy decisions for my mind and my body (because I actually DO respect myself despite my recent arguable actions.)

And with goals, comes responsibilities. And pressure. And then stress. And now fears of failure.

And it is STILL so bloody hard to keep my ego out of it!

All of these current decisions could still be mistakes. But that doesn't mean they aren't meant to happen. And that doesn't mean they are good. Alternatively, it doesn't necessarily make them bad. 

And I still have no idea what I'm even talking about.

In summary, I started at the corner of Lost & Unaware, then ventured to Lost and Confused, and have just arrived at Lost & Terrified.

I sense that Lost & Hopeful is just around the corner. Please let it be around the corner. I have life blisters on the heels of my ego.

"The world today doesn't makes sense, so why should I paint pictures that do" - Pablo Picasso