It's a Love Story

I want my perfect days back. But I know I can't have them. I have to try something new. I have to try and be me on my own. Again. A place I never thought I'd see. At least, not until old age. Not until well after weddings, babies, anniversaries, family holidays, and funerals.

My brain is not always my friend. I over analyze and critique every decision my heart says to make, and it's only taken 25 years for me to understand that my heart knows best. To trust, that God and the Universe know best. I've had to make a lot of very difficult decisions over the last couple months that have literally turned everything in my world 180°. Every morning I wake up and - despite that it's been since Oct 29 - I still expect to see David next to me in bed. I still want to get up and make him breakfast and bring him a cup of coffee. I wake up every morning with the overwhelming vacancy in my heart, knowing it's a reality I'll never be able to get back.

So here I am.
Lost, but not directionless. A tad scared, and yet, more trusting and assured of Life then I have been for a long time. Dreams of just buying a ticket and flying to Switzerland to surprise him on his door step were washed away by financial reality (anyone want to lend me $1000 so I can chase down the man of my dreams?... again.) I have to trust the "if it's meant to be" philosophy right now or I'd go crazy trying to force square pegs into round holes (read the Tao of Pooh if you want to understand this better). And I think learning the dedication of sticking to a goal, to prove to someone that you will never stop loving them, must be one of the most important and valuable lessons ever to engage in.

But in learning lessons, sometimes you have to admit to ones you don't want to see. Despite the gut-wrenching heartache that provokes my daily sobbing sessions, I know I need to let him go. I can't live my days pretending I'm with him. I'm pretty sure he's with someone new. I'm quite happy to be on my own. Dating is bloody awkward, and the whole reason I'm not with him is because I need to be just me right now. No strings attached.Who knows - 6 weeks from now I could be playing detective in Europe to avenge my scars, but for now, I'm in Sydney, and I'm unavailably single.

How depressing was that love story?

Fear not - I have happy articles coming too, about fun times on remote islands and rebounds and roses. Stay tuned for more posts.