"I walked a mile..."

I was reading back through some of my old blogs and came across one describing the emotional roller coaster I rode prior to leaving for Ghana. I chuckled a bit at the familiarity of what I was going through right now. This time – despite heart ache and extreme stress – I’ve been doing a much better job of packing, cleaning and dealing with all the goodbyes. It’s quite different, because I don’t have the same network of friends here in Calgary as I did in Vancouver. And of the friends I do have here, I have never found the need to lean on them for emotional support as I might have only a few years ago. That part makes the goodbyes much easier.

It was a similar feeling before I left to work on the cruise ships as well. Lots of goodbyes and packing my life up. Never knowing what my life was going to look like in days, months or years to come. Each time has become a bit more adventurous and a bit more risky. This might sound odd considering my first jaunt overseas was to West Africa, but I knew I had my Uncle there and he would take care of me. The cruise ship environment was a bit more of a risk as I was on my own without a safety net, but it was easy to calm my nerves knowing regardless of how hard things got, I had a room to sleep in and food to eat for the next six months… or at worst, a plane ticket home.

Now, it’s Australia. There is no safety net. I have some friends down there to give me a hand, but no one to depend on. No home, or guaranteed meals. I’m completely providing for myself. Yes, Australia is Western civilization and if I can make life function here, I can make it succeed there. However, the Work/ Holiday Visa doesn’t give you the abilities to get a job and “have a normal life” down there. I’ll be back-packing and seeing the country on my own steam (sans credit cards and a huge savings account.) And that is only the first portion. Hopefully after coming to terms with my level of resourcefulness and courage, I’ll be heading through some much less developed countries and trying to make things work in South East Asia for a while.  The next trip, which will take me through Bangladesh, India, Pakistan, Iran, Turkey, Greece and Italy, will be the biggest test I’ve ever done. My “without plan” philosophy may definitely crash and burn here; prearranged travel visas and limited amounts of time to get straight through the middle of Iran without getting arrested will be of concern… but for the most part… it’s all just an idea. And I’m sending it out into the universe and seeing what comes from it.

From that perspective, this is the hardest/ riskiest journey I’ve ever taken. While the goodbyes have gotten much easier, I now know the fear will never diminish. It will all be worth it - and I know I don't need to justify that to anyone. The lessons to be learned and the challenges I face will only stand to make me a better person. But knowing that doesn't calm the fears.

Pardon my French, but I’m scared shitless. 

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.

-Robert Browning Hamilton