Wednesday, 16 November 2011

I Could See It When We Danced

I could see it when we danced,
The song we sung that day.
A melody all our own, enhanced,
And quietly leading the way.

The song we sung that day,
Unheard by our hearts before,
And quietly leading the way,
Like a silent ronde on the dance floor.

Unheard by our hearts before,
We ventured into the unknown,
Like a silent ronde on the dance floor,
The music, your arms, your cologne.

We ventured into the unknown,
With risk and fear, but not flight;
The music, your arms, your cologne,
You lead me valiantly through the night.

With risk and fear, but not flight,
And moving solely by your touch,
You lead me valiantly through the night,
Without a falter, a pause, or such.

And moving solely by your touch,
A melody all our own, enhanced,
Without a falter, a pause, or such,
I could see it when we danced.

 - M. M. Landry

I'm on a poetry spin at the moment... next post will be a blog :-)

Monday, 14 November 2011

From The Pit of Chagrin

Out from beneath my feet
I fell,
Unable to handle retreat.
From nowhere did deception a’ swell,
Creating a harlequin heat.

A storm from within my soul
Did rise,
Offering self and control;
Without restraint or clear seeing eyes,
I jumped deep into that hole.

There in penitence and sin
I sat,
Conjuring reproach from within.
With no one to share and inept to combat,
I fell even deeper from him.

And out of remorse and respect
I cried,
No more lies or care for effect!
This bottle was full and could no longer hide,
Thus I spoke every truth and regret.

The amount of anguish and sufferin’
I brought,
As I climbed from the deep pit of chagrin,
Slashed and stabbed at our love, no forethought,
Then suffocated the flame from within.

As a gift to oneself,
As forgiveness must be,
The flame renewed higher and hotter.

And out of that light
Came a gift from above:
A new trust,
A new friendship,

A new Love.

- M. M. Landry

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Happiness is like the old man told me...

There is a lesson I keep needing to re-teach myself in life (and I’m sure I’m not the only one.) I’ve probably written about this in past blogs, but let’s face it, these blogs are an expression of what’s on my mind and in my life, so if I’m re-writing it, then so be it.

Happiness is not a goal you can chase or seek out. It equates to satisfaction and contentment in the life you are living, and the starting point, despite how strange it may sound, is to be at peace with where your life is at, even if that means holding hope that things won’t be as difficult in the future. 

The idea of chasing satisfaction is absurd, because in order to seek it, you have to admit you are unsatisfied, which is the whole point. To be happy - truly happy in the now - you have to learn to accept and be satisfied no matter where you are at in life, or you will constantly be chasing that superficial form of happiness (in whatever form that may take – money, power, fame, love.) And this doesn’t mean that in order to be happy you can’t make changes in your life to make it better, it just means the goal of those changes isn’t to find happiness, it’s just to make life… well, life. 

I’m trying to teach myself how to be happy right now, even though things are difficult. I’m trying to teach myself that it’s not something I can chase; that I need to just accept and be satisfied that my life is the way it is, and the changes I make in it won’t make me happier, it just changes my life. A deeply content person will be fulfilled no matter what comes crashing down on them. It doesn’t mean they won’t feel sadness and anger, or sorrow and grief, it just means that when the distress is over, and they’ve gone through their emotions, that contentment for their life still exists. Those things around them can’t change the level of satisfaction they feel on the inside.

I’m trying to teach myself to do that. But in admitting that, I guess the point still hasn’t sunk in for me, because I’m flat out stating that I’m not satisfied, and therefore I’m seeking it, rather than just letting it come naturally.

Letting it come naturally. I think 'The Fray' clarify this best. Take a moment to listen to the lyrics and forget he wrote it about a girl.

  "... Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
Home, home, home"

"I walked a mile..."

I was reading back through some of my old blogs and came across one describing the emotional roller coaster I rode prior to leaving for Ghana. I chuckled a bit at the familiarity of what I was going through right now. This time – despite heart ache and extreme stress – I’ve been doing a much better job of packing, cleaning and dealing with all the goodbyes. It’s quite different, because I don’t have the same network of friends here in Calgary as I did in Vancouver. And of the friends I do have here, I have never found the need to lean on them for emotional support as I might have only a few years ago. That part makes the goodbyes much easier.

It was a similar feeling before I left to work on the cruise ships as well. Lots of goodbyes and packing my life up. Never knowing what my life was going to look like in days, months or years to come. Each time has become a bit more adventurous and a bit more risky. This might sound odd considering my first jaunt overseas was to West Africa, but I knew I had my Uncle there and he would take care of me. The cruise ship environment was a bit more of a risk as I was on my own without a safety net, but it was easy to calm my nerves knowing regardless of how hard things got, I had a room to sleep in and food to eat for the next six months… or at worst, a plane ticket home.

Now, it’s Australia. There is no safety net. I have some friends down there to give me a hand, but no one to depend on. No home, or guaranteed meals. I’m completely providing for myself. Yes, Australia is Western civilization and if I can make life function here, I can make it succeed there. However, the Work/ Holiday Visa doesn’t give you the abilities to get a job and “have a normal life” down there. I’ll be back-packing and seeing the country on my own steam (sans credit cards and a huge savings account.) And that is only the first portion. Hopefully after coming to terms with my level of resourcefulness and courage, I’ll be heading through some much less developed countries and trying to make things work in South East Asia for a while.  The next trip, which will take me through Bangladesh, India, Pakistan, Iran, Turkey, Greece and Italy, will be the biggest test I’ve ever done. My “without plan” philosophy may definitely crash and burn here; prearranged travel visas and limited amounts of time to get straight through the middle of Iran without getting arrested will be of concern… but for the most part… it’s all just an idea. And I’m sending it out into the universe and seeing what comes from it.

From that perspective, this is the hardest/ riskiest journey I’ve ever taken. While the goodbyes have gotten much easier, I now know the fear will never diminish. It will all be worth it - and I know I don't need to justify that to anyone. The lessons to be learned and the challenges I face will only stand to make me a better person. But knowing that doesn't calm the fears.

Pardon my French, but I’m scared shitless. 

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.

-Robert Browning Hamilton

Friday, 11 November 2011

It's 15,000Km from Vietnam to Switzerland

Plans are bad for me. This I know.

But I have one.

I don’t have the details of how I’m going to make it all happen, but I trust it will work. It always works out when it’s meant to be. When it comes from a place of peace. (Keep in mind this all comes out of heartbreak and 3 glasses of wine while packing up old memories for the last 3 hours.)

I have a plane ticket to Australia for 2 weeks from now. Then a couple places to stay, and maybe some job opportunities. I have a place to go for Christmas, and a brother who is so excited to see me.

I’ll stay there for a few months, make sure I have enough money to take on the next part of this journey.
A flight to Singapore for $500 AUD. Then a 15 day rail pass from Singapore through Kuala Lumpur up to Bangkok. It obviously won’t take 15 days, but I’ll drag it out. That should be about $70 USD plus food and hotel/ hostel costs.

I have a place to stay in Bangkok (fingers crossed it’s still there when I arrive.) Maybe a month of soul searching, daily yoga and local beer to set myself straight. 

From there, another train to HCMC, Vietnam, where I’ll grab hold of a work visa and teach English until I have enough money for the 15,000km journey  to get back to the one I Love who will be in Switzerland, or somewhere else in Europe.

And then happily ever after.

I hope.

Interested in how this journey of soul-searching and life-learning works out? Well stay tuned. Miranda the blogger is back. This time I mean it.

PS – Mom… I’m going to be just fine.

AS virtuous men pass mildly away, 
    And whisper to their souls to go, 
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
    "Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."                     
So let us melt, and make no noise,                                      
    No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys 
    To tell the laity our love. 
Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
    Men reckon what it did, and meant ;                             
But trepidation of the spheres, 
    Though greater far, is innocent. 
Dull sublunary lovers' love 
    —Whose soul is sense—cannot admit 
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove                                    
    The thing which elemented it. 
But we by a love so much refined,
    That ourselves know not what it is, 
Inter-assurèd of the mind, 
    Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.                           
Our two souls therefore, which are one, 
    Though I must go, endure not yet 
A breach, but an expansion, 
    Like gold to aery thinness beat. 
If they be two, they are two so                                       
    As stiff twin compasses are two ; 
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show 
    To move, but doth, if th' other do. 
And though it in the centre sit, 
    Yet, when the other far doth roam,                               
It leans, and hearkens after it, 
    And grows erect, as that comes home. 
Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
    Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,                                   
    And makes me end where I begun. 
 - John Donne