Somehow, some when, I ended up falling into this horrible, snowballing mentality that I wasn't doing very well at life.
One little thought about how I didn't feel like I was accomplishing what I should have spiraled into a phase of life I've never experienced before, and hope I never do again. Struggles with finances, lack of energy, and newly developed bad habits made it really difficult for me to see my life moving in a positive direction, and began to make me doubt all the decisions I was making. More forwardly, made me doubt myself.
Moments of rational, positive thinking pulled back on track, keeping me from any sort of depression or hopelessness, but feeling "down" was an understatement. I wonder at times if having lived in such a closed-in, small world [like the cruise ship environment] made it a little more difficult for me to look at life through that wide-lens again. When I look at my current situation now, I see success. I see drive and motivation. I see focus and achievement. I see goals, plans, and actions. Somehow, earlier, all I saw was the stress, lack of control, and feelings of failure. Possibly a little influence from you-know-who downstairs.
I had the gift (more so, an answer to a prayer) of going for tea with my long, lost friend Kristina last night. I may actually be the long, lost one, but that's besides the point. She did an absolutely amazing job of reminding who I am, and all that positive energy I had worked so hard to achieve. She showed me, through her actions, through her positive message, what I used to instill in others.
All I see now is how much I've done. Three and a half months ago, I wanted to stop working on cruise ships and for David and I to settle in Calgary for a while, find a job as an event coordinator, and have a normal life for the time being. A little time to catch my breath again and remember life doesn't always have to be some grand adventure. Well guess what? We've got our apartment full of furniture in Calgary with our little flower pots outside. I have a great job as an Event Coordinator (even if it's not perfect) where I get to be creative and work hard at something I enjoy doing. And I'm slowly but surely re-grounding myself. And with the help of great friends like Kristina, I'm remembering all those positive things about myself. I think, for 24 years old, that's far from failing. In fact, that's pretty darn good.
We've got more plans in the work, and I'm completely ready to knuckle down, focus and enjoy reaching more new and exciting goals.
Forgive me for no exciting stories, but to me, right now, the everyday challenge of learning and remembering how to be satisfied with life on a day to day basis is pretty exciting. How am I supposed to enjoy the big things if I can't enjoy the small ones?