It’s been a long time since I’ve found myself soul-searching on the topic of my self-confidence. For some time now I’ve ignored any criticism or suggestions that it might not be at the high level I’ve come to believe it to be – mostly because I just didn’t care. Since my journey in Africa, the satisfaction that came from accepting a human inability to ever really be 100% secure in themselves and their abilities (at least with any form of sincerity) left me uninterested in dividing and conquering any issues that played games with my self-worth and efficacy.
Ship life has tweaked that perspective.
Due to my easily influenced nature, this world around me has left me fighting with myself while completely unaware of any internal battle – until today, that is. Sitting in a café on some random, unidentified alleyway in Vigo, with a latte and a cold breeze, removed from the consistency of crew life and ship culture, I saw my fear. More so, objectified it. I’m still fighting that pressure to be perfect, that pressure to be something I’m not. That same pressure I thought I’d thrown away over a year ago when I was sitting roadside waiting for a tro-tro in Ghana. I suppose it snuck up on me in this intensified version of the world and hyped up North American tourism. Social fear, hasn’t haunted me since high school, has become such a fluid part of my day that I wasn’t even aware it was there (let alone aware of the brakes it had on my self-confidence).
So, once more, I’m letting it all go. Saying good bye to the eagerness of perfection, the influence of societies “rights and wrongs” and sayonara to the doubts that who I am might not be good enough for this world.
This job is providing unexpected challenges, and don’t think for a moment I’m not grateful for them. It’s an experience I imagined and yet one I could not have even dreamt. I want to write more about the sights, sounds and smells that conglomerate to form the life I’m living and attempt to make the experience relatable, but honestly, I’m just not all that interested in recording it while I’m living it. Maybe when I’m through this section of the journey I’ll feel more inclined to map it out with words.