It’s not a personal dilemma, and it’s not that I’m consecutively forced to cessation by my lack of funds and opportunity.
But it feels like it.
I know it’s going to end. I know by this time next year I’ll be past it and will hardly remember the difficulty of days like today. I know that this will not last forever.
But it feels like it’s going to.
I know it’s OK to be frustrated. I know it’s OK to struggle. I know I’ll be stronger when I come out of it with my head held high. I know this will not defeat me.
But it feels like it will.
I have tons of support. Those around me are understanding and want to help. I am not alone.
But it feels like it.
Here’s the “issue.” I don’t want to do just anything with my time. While I realize putting money in the bank to survive should be my main concern at this point, I cannot force myself to just do…whatever apathetically! How I spend my time matters to me. It matters a lot!
You know what one of my most detested English sayings is? “Save time”. You can’t save time. How ridiculous is that concept? It’s not as though you can put those minutes and seconds you didn’t spend with your children because you were working into a piggy bank and pull them out to use later. Money cannot save you time. GOD cannot save you time. Time cannot be saved. It can only be spent. Therefore, one must spend it… and wisely. (In a tangent, time is allotted in a communistic fashion. We all get the same amount of hours in a day no matter how much we work for it, and you never really know how much you are going to get in the end.)
This is where my confusion lives. The never-ending arguments between the left and right side of my brain could constitute polar opposite personalities at times like this (I’m surprised I’m even able to be categorized on the Meyers-Briggs test). While I understand it’s not unusual for people to ponder what is a wise use of their time, this is not my concern. My concern is what “wise” means to me.
Success is of little importance. Greatness, I find intriguing. Discovery, is absolute glory!
How I choose to spend my time isn’t about what will make me money, what will limit the consequences of my future, nor what I think will make me “happy.” It’s about faith. I spend my time trying to Love others and enjoy life for everything it’s worth and being grateful for all I have. This can be done while working passionately towards grand adventures and experiences, achieving goals and accomplishing powerful and change-filled tasks! But let me make clear, first and foremost, comes loving others, enjoying life and being grateful. Comprende?
So while it may be a “wise” choice to some individuals to invest in RRSPs, buy a house and get married at an early age, I see that as naïve and conformist. However, living with a little more uncertainty and challenge, while frequently frustrating to myself and multiple persons around me, seems worth the decision to wait for the job I’m meant to have. The job that was made for me. Because whether you believe it or not – I know it’s out there. In fact, it’s probably as frustrated as I am that I haven’t found it yet :-).
Thus, I conclude this thought on how I “feel” about my “issue” with what is “wise” for me and this point in my life with a simple, short and direct quote:
“Eat your problems for breakfast.”
I await the criticism.